“So what helped you get over the loss of your daughter?” a friend of mine asked with deepest sincerity.
I stood spellbound, not having a clue how to answer. It had been barely three months since Lexi had passed away, and I was nowhere near being “over” her loss. I was struggling to breathe each and every minute. The fact that I was even there that day, hanging out in a group of friends, was a small miracle. I had been hoping that it would provide a positive distraction, but every interaction was strained and I would rather have just been at home crying. And now this question. It was as though I had lost a pet fish, and that I had dealt with it and moved on. My friend had no clue of the gravity of the grief I was dealing with.
What do we do when people unintentionally say things that come across as insensitive, uncaring, or even harsh?
One thing that I learned throughout the grieving process was the importance of showing grace.
People can sometimes say things that are very well-meaning but are actually quite hurtful. I came to realize that I needed to focus on the motive of the person rather than on his or her words. Often people were trying their best to connect, to show compassion, and to let me know they cared, even if their words were not quite the most comforting. If I focused on their words, I could easily become angry, bitter, or resentful. I needed to look past what they said to see the motives of their heart.
Then other times, friends or relatives avoided the topic of my loss completely. Rather than say the wrong thing, they opted to say nothing, which could feel just as offensive. Didn’t they care about how much I was hurting?
Once again, it was necessary to show grace. Maybe people were trying to be sensitive, to avoid stirring up my emotions or keep me from suffering through an awkward conversation. How could I expect others to understand what I was going through when they had never been through it themselves? It was unfair to think they should be able to know exactly what to do or say to make me feel better. I myself didn’t even know what would make me feel better!
This is something I continue to work on daily. How many times do I let myself feel offended or irritated by something someone says or does that probably wasn’t intentional? How often do I assume the worst about someone’s motives? How easy is it to let a little off-hand comment fester and bother me?
But oh, what a wonderful thing when someone shows me grace. I know the amazing feeling of relief when someone doesn’t hold me responsible for accidentally putting my foot in my mouth or inadvertently doing something I didn’t mean to do. It’s a feeling of pure gratitude and joy. Why would I not want to extend that to others?
Because Jesus has extended grace to me in the biggest way imaginable – by taking all my sins on Himself at the cross. Knowing what He did for me, surely I can extend a little grace when I am left feeling slighted or offended. How much better would the world be if we could let the little things go and realize that most of the time people are just doing the best they know how to do?
By remembering the grace Jesus has shown us, hopefully we can find it in ourselves to be gracious to others.
“Out of his fullness we have all received grace in place of grace already given.” John 1:16
Needed this reminder💙thank you
You’re welcome.
Mmm-m-m-mmm! Your words, Kris, always get me. They point me toward what Christ does for me and how he would want me to think and act toward others. You know the pain, you know the long suffering of grief and yet you want to trust God and heal in the way he would have you. Praise God for his work in you; this gives me hope for my own healing.
Thank you for helping me work through these thoughts and emotions, Ann.
Great perspective! This is an insightful blog! Thank you for sharing!
Thanks for your encouragement, Angi, I sure appreciate it.
Thank you so much for pointing this all out. On myself struggle with this issue and it’s very hurtful and I need God’s grace to help me to be graceful to them. It’s not that easy when it’s your relatives who just don’t have a clue of how about the excruciating pain is daily. My ❤️ is crushed 😭 💔
It truly is so hard. I just tell myself to never be that way towards someone else. And find support through people who understand! Sending hugs.
It occurs to me that others will avoid contact, comment or relational interaction because we’re journeying through “another world” they’ve never traveled thru. It is wholly foreign to them and fearful.
Another world – so very true. Can’t have unrealistic expectations from those who haven’t traveled it. Thanks, Marguerite.
Thank you Margaret woodall for summoning it all up too. People are human and we can’t expect the hearts to feel like ours the pain to feel like ours they experience to know what was ours. I definitely have to have God’s grace to understand all this. You can feel so alone even though you have family members all around you and Friends
Thank you so much for pointing this all out. On myself struggle with this issue and it’s very hurtful and I need God’s grace to help me to be graceful to them. It’s not that easy when it’s your relatives who just don’t have a clue of how about the excruciating pain is daily. My ❤️ is crushed 😭 💔
I love this reminder. We all can extend grace much more often than we do. How precious Gods love and grace is for us. You say it welll…how good it feels when we receive grace. It covers a multitude of sin. Thank you Xoxoxo
Great message for today